A Close Shave

I recently had a rather unnerving experience.

While ambling down a street in an unfamiliar part of town, I inadvertently bumped into a man who turned out to be a rather unsavory person.  He took great offence at my carelessness and was aggrieved by the contact that ensued with my person.

"I don't like the look of your face!"  he shouted.

"I don't either," I replied, hoping to relieve the tension of the encounter.

Rather than being mollified by my agreeable response, he became more incensed.

"Don't get smart with me!" he bellowed, whipping a razor out of his pocket and waving it in my face.

At that point, I figured I should remove myself from the premises.  I shall flee, I thought.  Let us fly, tapped my feet in Morse Code as I flew down the street.

Close on my heels came the enraged ruffian waving his razor wildly as he pursued me with every intention of changing the looks of my face.

I zigged and zagged through streets and alleys gaining distance between us as I tried to find a way to my car and safety.  At last I turned down an alley that I thought was a shortcut to where I was parked.  It was a dead end.

I started toward the entrance of the alley, hoping that I could get out and away before the razor wielding maniac caught me.  Alas, I met him at the entrance.  I retreated, looking around for a door to enter or some place of refuge.  I reached the end of the alley without finding an escape just as the man caught up with me.

I would really have had a close shave if the battery in his razor hadn't died just as he caught me.

The Problem of Inclusive Language

I've been pondering the trend toward inclusive language. And I've become a bit puzzled. It seems that things may be backfiring. 

For example, it's OK to refer to someone as human. Why don't we use human and huwoman? We've taken human as a generic term that is inclusive rather than gender specific. 

Then we use chairman and chairwoman when we know the gender of the chairperson. But that final word presents a problem. We treat it as generic rather than distinguishing a person from a perdaughter. Why? 

Maybe it would be easier to just define some words as generic and no longer gender specific. It seems that when we try to fight the way languages are structured, we're emphasizing gender specific issues rather than removing them. 

Which brings me to the old joke (best told orally but I'll attempt it in print): 

Why do we sing AMEN at the end of the songs at church rather than AWOMEN? Because they're HYMNS and not HYRS. (Hiss! Boo! Go away! NOW!)

Cheap iPads

Here's a great deal I discovered on the Notes from underground blog. Thanks to Steve Hayes for posting this.

Cheap iPads

Give it a look.

A Final Observation on the Bush Presidency

Thanks to What the Duck for this reminder.

"Stop the Turkey!"

(Before)

Around Thanksgiving I was walking down the street minding my own business when I heard a noise behind me. People around me were looking behind me with strange expressions on their faces. I turned to see what was going on. I saw a man rapidly approaching, running in fact, with a huge ax yelling what sounded like, "Stop the turkey! Stop the turkey!" As the man got nearer, it became obvious that he was actually yelling, "Chop the turkey!" not "Stop the turkey!"

When the man got alongside me he began to swing his huge ax wildly at ME, all the while yelling, "Chop the turkey!" I began to bob and weave, duck and dive, to avoid the razor sharp double blade ax as the lunatic tried to chop ME.

By the time bystanders got the police and they were able to taser the man into submission, I looked like this!

(After)

(Actually, none of this really happened. I just made up this story as a response that that inevitable question, "Did you get a haircut?" that people always ask one who has just gotten a haircut. Of course, since I had such a stupid answer for such a stupid question, no one asked. Not wanting to waste the story, I'm saving it here.)

Sarah Palin a Muslim?

Steve Hayes at Notes from underground has come up with a great analogy.

"If I've seen it once, I've seen it dozens of times, people claiming that Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a Muslim. That's about as convincing as saying that Sarah Palin is a Muslim because she's the governor of Al Aska."

Unfortunately, such stupidity is contageous and too many Americans have weak or non-existant immune systems. The confusion of the little lady who was corrected by McCain in the oft replayed clip is more common than we wish to acknowledge. Who knows who will become confused and think Al Aska is an islamic state since it is bordering on Russia like all those "istans" that emerged from the breakup of the Soviet Union.

Song of Obama and Other Irishmen

This is just TOO funny. If one drop of black blood makes a person African American, then a drop of Irish blood should make him Irish American. Obama meets O'Hara, O'Reilly and the rest of the clan.



Thanks to Thin Places for finding this and posting this where I could find it.

Constructive Criticism

I think that should be "apostrofly."

From What The Duck

High Politics

On the way to work one day last week, I stopped at a traffic light behind a vehicle with a political bumper sticker high up on the back window. My eye drifted down to the license plate and my mind linked the letters on the license plate to the high bumper sticker. As a product of the 1960s, the humour of the juxtaposition of the two overcame me. I had a small point-and-shoot camera in my lunch bag beside me. I immediately began digging to find the camera and get the shot. Just as I got the camera out, the light changed. I was able to grab a poor shot as the vehicle pulled away.

Here is the High Politics shot of the week:

Interesting Comparisons

Dr. Jonas' Blog has the following post:

Interesting Comparisons

A former student emailed me the following this morning. It is probably a bit of an exaggeration but is nevertheless still an interesting read.

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight....

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're 'exotic, different.'Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

If your name is Barack, you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim. Name your kids Willow , Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

Graduate from Harvard Law School and you are unstable. Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience. If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian. If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife (WHILE SHE WAS FIGHTING BREAST CANCER) and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

That pretty well sums it up!

"Change" McCain Style

The story is told of a WWII POW camp commander who told the prisoners one day that they would be allowed to change their underwear for the first time in six months. The prisoners began to cheer until the commander began to point from one prisoner to another and say, "You change with you. You change with you."

That is "change" McCain style.

Political Hardball

Political Hardball

The playoffs for the Democratic (National) League championship to decide who would play the Republican (American) League champion in the Political Baseball World Series has proven contentious.

Team Clinton batted first in the opening game and scored a run in the top of the first inning. A light mist was covering the field. As Team Obama came in to bat it began to rain and continued to do so resulting in the game being called off.

When game one was replayed, Team Clinton scored a run in the third inning and Team Obama scored one in the fourth and one in the eighth, winning the game 2-1.

Game two went to Team Clinton who scored 5 runs in the sixth inning while Team Obama scored 1 run in the fourth and 1 in the ninth. Team Clinton won 5-2.

Team Obama won the third game 9-4, scoring a run in each inning. Team Clinton scored all four of its runs in the ninth inning.

Team Obama also won game four 7-5. They scored 1 run in the first inning, 2 runs in the fifth, 2 runs in the sixth and 2 runs in the eights. Team Clinton scored all five of their runs in the ninth inning.

Team Clinton won game five by a score of 6-1. Team Obama opened the scoring with a run in the first inning but Team Clinton replied with 4 runs in the fifth and another two runs in the eighth.

Team Clinton claimed that the series was tied 3-3 since they had won the opening game 1-0. Team Obama argued that it was 3-2 in their favor since the opening game had been called before they had an opportunity to bat. The commissioners of Political Baseball ruled in favor of Team Obama leaving Team Clinton fuming.

Game six was vigorously contested by Team Clinton. Four Team Obama batters reached first base after being hit by pitched balls. Ultimately Team Clinton was victorious, winning by a score of 5-2.

Team Obama took game seven by a score of 5-3. Team Clinton failed to even the score in the top of the ninth inning, but insisted that Team Obama bat in the bottom of the ninth, even though they lead on the scoreboard. They argued that the game must be played out since in the remaining half-inning, Obama players could suffer injuries which would prevent them from achieving victory against Team McCain of the Republican League in the World Political Baseball World Series.

Team Clinton put out a press release stating that they should represent the Democratic League since they had scored more total runs than Team Obama. When informed that it was games won rather than total runs that decide the winner of a series, they replied that their superior total run scoring showed they were the stronger team. Moreover, they had made more double plays than Team Obama indicating that they were also a better defensive team. If they had been allowed a designated hitter as Team McCain was in their playoff, Team Clinton would have won game four since it was the strike-out by their pitcher that ended the game before they could win. They had been robbed of the run they scored in the aborted first game and should be allowed to apply it to their total score. They also scored more runs in big innings than Team Obama. For all these reasons, according to Team Clinton, Team Clinton should go to the Political Baseball World Series rather than Team Obama.

At last report, Team Clinton planned on fielding a team at the Political Baseball World Series, even if it meant locking Team Obama in the dressing room before the game.

God's Sense of Humour

A friend, who is a missionary in Pemba, Mozambique sent this story. I don't know if it's aprocryphal, exaggerated, true, or great fiction. It is a great story in any case. 

THE PASTOR'S CAT...

This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.'

She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Stupid signs

These are TOO funny. Check out these signs at Stupid signs at dave cross online.

I Can Identify With This

A few years ago I spent a few weeks filling the pulpit for a friend while he was away studying. There was a young lady in the congregation who had Downs Syndrome. One morning before the service she came to me and said, "I really like your messages. They put me to sleep."

I guess at least one person got something worthwhile from my efforts.

(Cartoon from Church Mice.)

Bumper Sticker I Want to See

"Keep a Republican in the White House --
Vote for Hilary!"

Baptist Group to Boycott

Here is a bit of satire, a spoof, that sounds so plausible that someone is bound to report it as true. If it used a denomination other than baptist, I'm sure SBC folks would be circulating it in chain e-mails.

Read and laugh: Baptist Group to Boycott

Howie Luvzus' Easter

Found this picture on Howie Luvzus' blog. I've really liked his blog. Now I worry about the old boy. His sense of humour is as bad as mine.

John McCain: He Is Old

Here's a bit of humour that I think even McCain would laugh at.

A Picture is worth a thousand words

Sepherim has posted a magnificent photo which speaks the truth so loudly. View it HERE.